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Funny Quotes: Because sometimes life needs to get “lighter”!

Written by Julia Shalom Jordan. Posted in Funny Quotes

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Published on July 26, 2011 with No Comments

Funny Quotes: Because sometimes life needs to get

“Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.- Bob Moody

“A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.” – Unknown

“Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said: Wish you were here.” – Steven Wright

“Being human is harder to defy than gravity.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Aspire to inspire before you expire.” – Unknown

“Nobody likes a “knock-off”.  Be TRUE to YOU.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Behold the turtle. He makes progress only when he sticks his neck out .”-
James. B. Conant

“Your attitude determines your altitude.”- 
Zig Ziglar

“One person with a belief is equal to a force of ninety-nine with only interests.”-
John Stuart Mill

“Many an opportunity is lost because a man is 
out looking for four-leaf clovers.” -Unknown 



“While we stop to think, we often miss our opportunity.”- 
Publilius Syrus

“Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped.”- 
African Proverb

“The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.”- 
Michael Althsuler

“Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey.”- 
Babs Hoffman

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.”- William Makepeace

“People who look down on other people don’t end up being looked up to.”- 
Robert Half

“If you don’t program yourself, life will program you!”- 
Les Brown

“It takes a smart person to have the last word and not use it.” Unknown

“There is no danger of developing eyestrain from looking on the bright side of things.”-  Unknown

“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves,
some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.”- 
Sam Ewig

“Procrastination is like a credit card: it’s a lot of fun until you get the bill.”- 
Christopher Parker

“Being normal is not normal anymore.” -Julia Shalom Jordan

“The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.”
- Somerset Maugham

“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.”
- Sarah Brown

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs…one step at a time.”
- Joe Girard

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself.”
- Ethel Barrymore

“The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.”
- Albert Einstein

“Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so.”
- Bertrand Russell

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”
- George Bernard Shaw

“Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something.”- Plato

“If you are too open-minded your brain will fall out.”- Unknown

“If you are 1 in a million, there are 6,000 people just like you.”- Unknown

“All that is not eternal is eternally out of date.”- C.S. Lewis

“Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.- Bob Moody

“It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.”- Unknown

“If you don’t like change, you are going to like irrelevance even less.” – General Erick Shineki

“You can’t wait for inspiration.  You have to go after it with a club.” – Jack London

“The chief enemy of creativity is ‘good’ sense.”- Unknown

“It takes a big man to cry, it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.” – Jack Handy

“Procrastination is the slowest ticket to nowhere.”- Julia Shalom Jordan

“Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said: Wish you were here.” – Steven Wright

“No one is as deaf as the man who will not listen.” -Jewish Proverb

“A lie is halfway around the world before the truth even gets its boots on.” – Unknown

“Nothing heals like laughing—at yourself!” – Julia Shalom Jordan

Ask yourself a question – Is my attitude worth catching? 
Zig Ziglar

“Bad decisions make good stories.” – Bob Moody

“I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!” – Bob Moody

“I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.” – Bob Moody

“Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb.  That is where the fruit is.”- Unknown

“If you have an answer for everything you should be a politician or a used car salesman.” Mr. Murphy

“Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”-Unknown

“Life is the only race you’ll run where you don’t know where the finish line is.” -Steve Farrar

“Stupidity is also a gift from God, but one musn’t misuse it.” -Pope John Paul II

“Why is common sense so UNcommon?”-Julia Shalom Jordan

“The next time you think your perfect try walking on water.”-Unknown

“Don’t take yourself too seriously. No one else does.”-Unknown

“Jesus is my boss.  Got a problem with that?  Take it up with ‘da boss!”- Julia Shalom Jordan

“It is NOT cool to NOT care.”- Julia Shalom Jordan

“Shut up and Pray.”- Stormie Omartian

“Every day is a school day..ya learn something new!”-Unknown

“Minimal effort is not REALLY an effort.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“I’m a fool for Christ.  Who are you a fool for?” – Unknown

“Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise? A. Turn right and go straight.”- Unknown

“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”- Lily Tomlin

“Does God have a sense of humor?  I think your pretty funny.”- Julia Shalom Jordan

“Judge me all you want but please keep the verdict to yourself!” -Jenesia

“My sock misses your mouth.” -Julia Shalom Jordan

“What other people think of you is none of your business.”-Unknown

“Are you sick of yourself YET?  Maybe you should think of something else.”- Julia Shalom Jordan

“I don’t know.  Ask God.”- Julia Shalom Jordan

“Try Jesus, if you don’t like him, the devil will take you back.”- Unknown

“God loves you and He approves of this message.”- Unknown

“I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.” -Unknown

“Creative thinking should be viewed as an essential supplement to, though not a replacement for, critical thinking.” Lloyd P. Provost

“Those who marry for money end up EARNING it anyway.”- Dr. Phil

“The church is a gift from God, some assembly is required.”- Unknown

“God does not believe in atheists.  Therefore, atheists do not exist.” – Unknown

“If God ain’t happy, ain’t NOBODY happy.”- Julia Shalom Jordan

“Don’t make me come down there.”- God

“Stop, drop and roll does not work in HELL.”- Unknown

“Lost?  Try GPS (God’s Plan of Salvation) – Unknown

“There is a God.  You are not HIM.” – Unknown

“Forbidden fruit makes many jams.”- Unknown

“Forgive your enemies.  It messes with their heads.”- Unknown

“Bad decisions make good stories.” – Bob Moody

“I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!” – Bob Moody

“An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have.  The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Unknown

“Eat the Bunny.  Remember the CROSS.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Being normal is not so normal anymore.” -Julia Shalom Jordan

“If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.”- Unknown

“A nickel isn’t worth a dime anymore.” -Unknown

“If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style. ”- Unknown

“Your momma’s Do’s and Don’t effect influence your Will’s and Won’ts!”- Unknown

“I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.” – Bob Moody

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”- Herm Albright

“Nothing heals like laughing—at yourself!” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Lower your expectations of earth. This isn’t heaven, so don’t expect it to be.” -Max Lucado

“It is not easy being a mom.  If it were, fathers would do it.”- Unknown

“Cleaning up after kids is like shoveling during a blizzard.”- Unknown

“The cheapest and best-looking face lift is a smile!”- Julia Shalom Jordan

“Love is like heaven, but it can hurt like hell.” -Bob Moody

“Swallow your pride once in awhile, its non-fattening!”-Diana Wood

“It takes a big man to cry, it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.” – Jack Handy

“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.”- Sarah Brown

“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs…one step at a time.”- Joe Girard

“We don’t stop playing because we grow old; We grow old because we stop playing.”- George Bernard Shaw

“You grow up the day you have your first real laugh – at yourself.”- Ethel Barrymore

“The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.”- Albert Einstein

“Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so.”- Bertrand Russell

“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”- George Bernard Shaw

“The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.”- Somerset Maugham

“When everyone thinks alike, no one thinks very much.” – Walter Lippmann

“Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools talk because they have to say something.”- Plato

“My life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened.” – Montaigne

”I cannot afford to waste my time making money.” – Louis Agassiz

“The main thing is keeping the main thing the main thing.”- German Proverb

“Cotton-pickin’-ninny-muggins!” – Elf

“It’s a shame that stupidity can’t be converted into a usable energy source” – Renee Watroba

“Good decisions come from experience and experience comes from bad decisions.” – Samantha Bezuidenhout

“No one is as deaf as the man who will not listen.” -Jewish Proverb

“The only reason people talk behind your back is because your running in front of them and they hate it. Keep running!” – Patrycia Krol

“Freedom of speech encompasses precisely the freedom to annoy, to ridicule, and to offend.”- Robert Spencer

“A lie is halfway around the world before the truth even gets its boots on.” – Unknown

“If you have nothing to say, say nothing.” – Mark Twain

“How many calories does a smile burn? Just DO it.” –Julia Shalom Jordan

“It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.”- Unknown

“If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with a little rain!” Dolly Parton

“The louder you get the more wrong you sound.”- Unknown

“You can’t get HIGER than JESUS.  Let’s get HIGH!” -Julia Shalom Jordan

“If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style!”- Julia Shalom Jordan

“Stupidity is also a gift from God, but one musn’t misuse it.” -Pope John Paul II

“A fool doesn’t like wisdom, he likes encouragement.”-Julia Shalom Jordan

“Jesus is my drug.  I am addicted.  Don’t send me to rehab.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Don’t make me come down there.”- God

“Minimal effort is not REALLY an effort.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“My sock misses your mouth.” -Julia Shalom Jordan

“What other people think of you is none of your business.”-Unknown

“Are you sick of yourself YET?  Maybe you should think of something else.”- Julia Shalom Jorda

“I’m a JESUS freak.  Who are YOU a freak for?”- Unknown

“You know your getting older when sensible shoes start making sense!”- Julia Shalom Jordan

“I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.”- Unknown

“If you want to get somewhere in life, you must get off the couch.”- Julia Shalom Jordan

“If I must have wrinkles, give me happy ones!” – Unknown

“Time, be kind.  Quit with those wrinkles and lines.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Beauty sleep does not come cheap.  It costs me nine hours!” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Computers.  They are touchy yet unemotional.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Don’t argue with stupid people. They’ll drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.” Doug Greene

“I can’t tolerate intolerant people.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Words are valuable.  Except for empty ones.”- Julia Shalom Jordan

“How can a person who knows everything be wrong?” – Frank Wilson

“Don’t just be interested, be interesting.” – Luci Swindoll

“I don’t try to be annoying.  Let’s just say I’m “gifted”. – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Fools don’t recognize wisdom.  It goes against their modus operandi.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“If your outgo exceeds your income than your upkeep will be your downfall.”- Unknown

“I’ve figured out my problem: I am not perfect, but I am a perfectionist.”- Julia Shalom Jordan

“Don’t let the Joneses get you down.”- The Temptations

“When you don’t respect yourself it shows…everywhere.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“I find people who are easily offended offensive.  Does that offend you?” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Personality is a gift that money can’t buy.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“It’s not that I’m not a ‘people person’, I’m just not a ‘stupid people’ person.” – Unknown

“Beauty is a pain but ugly hurts worse.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Fitness is the sickness that cures all others.” – Kendra Bilodeau

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, quote someone who does.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.” – Steven Wright.

“I like work.  It fascinates me.  I can sit and watch someone doing it for hours.”- Jerome K. Jerome

“I don’t mind aging, I just don’t want to be a day older.” – Joan Rivers

“The point of quotations is that one can use another’s words to be insulting.” – Amanda Cross.

“Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.” – Euripids

“I am glad I’m not “normal”.  I find that word insulting.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“I never let schooling interfere with my education.” – Mark Twain.

“Where facts are few experts are many.” – Donald R. Gannon.“There is no danger of developing eyestrain from looking at the bright side of things.” – Joyce Meyer

“Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional.”- Sharon Gonzalez

“We didn’t come from monkeys and I can prove it to you. Monkeys know how to take care of their kids” –Perry Stone

“If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.” – Unknown

“You know your getting older when sensible shoes start making sense!”- Julia Shalom Jordan

“I don’t hate you, I’m just not necessarily excited about your existence.”- Unknown

“If you want to get somewhere in life, you must get off the couch.”- Julia Shalom Jordan

“If I must have wrinkles, give me happy ones!” – Unknown

“Time, be kind.  Quit with those wrinkles and lines.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Beauty sleep does not come cheap.  It costs me nine hours!” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Computers.  They are touchy yet unemotional.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Don’t argue with stupid people. They’ll drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.” Doug Greene

“I can’t tolerate intolerant people.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Words are valuable.  Except for empty ones.”- Julia Shalom Jordan

“How can a person who knows everything be wrong?” – Frank Wilson

“Don’t just be interested, be interesting.” – Luci Swindoll

“I don’t try to be annoying.  Let’s just say I’m “gifted”. – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Fools don’t recognize wisdom.  It goes against their modus operandi.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“If your outgo exceeds your income than your upkeep will be your downfall.”- Unknown

“I’ve figured out my problem: I am not perfect, but I am a perfectionist.”- Julia Shalom Jordan

“Don’t let the Joneses get you down.”- The Temptations

“When you don’t respect yourself it shows…everywhere.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“I find people who are easily offended offensive.  Does that offend you?” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Personality is a gift that money can’t buy.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“It’s not that I’m not a ‘people person’, I’m just not a ‘stupid people’ person.” – Unknown

“Beauty is a pain but ugly hurts worse.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“Fitness is the sickness that cures all others.” – Kendra Bilodeau

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, quote someone who does.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.” – Steven Wright.

“I like work.  It fascinates me.  I can sit and watch someone doing it for hours.”- Jerome K. Jerome

“I don’t mind aging, I just don’t want to be a day older.” – Joan Rivers

“The point of quotations is that one can use another’s words to be insulting.” – Amanda Cross.

“Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.” – Euripids

“I am glad I’m not “normal”.  I find that word insulting.” – Julia Shalom Jordan

“I never let schooling interfere with my education.” – Mark Twain.

“Where facts are few experts are many.” – Donald R. Gannon.“There is no danger of developing eyestrain from looking at the bright side of things.” – Joyce Meyer

“Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional.”- Sharon Gonzalez

“We didn’t come from monkeys and I can prove it to you. Monkeys know how to take care of their kids” –Perry Stone

“If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.” – Unknown

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